Face and Understand Your Anger
Anger is a normal feeling, an emotion that everyone experiences at some point of time in their life, but the way we react will differ from person to person. If it is not understood properly, it may cause damage to oneself and to the environment in which one lives. Anger is a healthy emotion when we are aware of our behavioral patterns. Anger becomes a problem when it is felt too intensely, is felt too frequently, or is expressed inappropriately. When we are angry, we either explode or suppress the emotion. We may express it either passively or actively. Sometimes we pour out our anger on another person and later feel regret about it. Our goal is not to run away from anger. Rather it is to learn to deal with anger by using healthier ways that will empower you.
Anger is the emotional response that we experience due to various factors. Anger can be triggered by people (family, relatives, friends, co-workers, strangers, etc.) external events (other people’s behavior, failed expectations, stress overload, relationship difficulties, insults, violation of personal space, use of abusive language, etc.) or internal states (feeling of injustice, threat to self-esteem and dignity, personal problems, memories of trauma, mental and/or physical exhaustion, helplessness, feeling misunderstood or unappreciated, the need to be perfect, etc.). As Daniel Goleman points out in his book Emotional Intelligence, anger is a very seductive emotion, as it is accompanied by “the self-righteous inner monologue”; it is also energizing, exhilarating, and sometimes even cathartic. Yet, contrary to common belief, psychologists have found that catharsis (“venting out” or “lashing out” in anger) in situations of anger does very little to dispel anger—on the contrary, it can further increase the arousal of the emotional brain and make people more angry. For all these reasons, anger is an emotion that is very difficult to control.
There is a physiological response to any anger trigger—a limbic surge that affects the brain. There is a release of catecholamines which generates a quick rush of energy needed for a “fight-or-flight” response. At the same time, the amygdala drives adrenal and cortical arousal and action readiness. This adrenocortical excitation can last much longer—up to several days. Therefore, people who are already stressed or have been irritated by certain incidents have a much lower threshold for experiencing anger (a phenomenon known as a hair-trigger condition). They can much more readily “explode” to new anger stimuli.
The frequency of anger episodes can vary—some people face anger daily, while others less often (a couple of times a week) or rarely. This emotional state also varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage.
Anger generates a physiological response in the body. The first sign of becoming angry is how your body feels/changes in physiological response. Physical signs of anger can include one or more of the following: fast heartbeat, raised blood pressure, sweating, shaking, tight chest, tense muscles, clenched jaws and fists, headaches, stomach aches, etc.
We let others know that we are angry through our behavior. These behaviors can often make the situation worse. People have specific behavioral patterns associated with anger. These could include irritability, argumentativeness, verbal violence (saying hurtful things, shouting), increased risk of physical violence, crying, fearfulness, blame game, etc.).
Anger affects our state of mind. Hence it is important to take time to recognize how we are feeling while in a state of anger. The most common feelings associated with anger are annoyance, explosiveness, violence, outrage, irritation, disgust, fury, restlessness, frustration, resentment, hurt, shame, guilt, embarrassment, insecurity, need for revenge, etc.
Despite all the discomfort that the feeling of anger can bring, many people do not easily become aware of the intensity of their anger. They are forced to face their anger only when it starts to visibly affect their physical and mental health, their relationships and careers, or when it causes suffering to others. Emotional awareness is the key to self-understanding and success in life. Without the ability to recognize, manage, and deal with the full range of human emotions, one can easily spin into confusion, isolation, and self-doubt. Emotional awareness can help in managing anger, both in situations when you are the host and a victim of another person’s anger.
There are a range of available anger transformation tools that can help you deal with anger, from keeping an Anger Journal to transformational breathwork and meditation to cognitive behavioral therapy. They require sincerity, readiness to change, and commitment.
To deal with the immediate problem (a short-term approach to diffusing anger), you can adopt a set of quick tips for cooling down in situations when anger overwhelms you: focus on the physical sensations (self-awareness); take some deep breaths; exercise or stretch the muscles areas of tension; slowly count to ten; mirror yourself in the other person; change the environment; try to spend time in nature; find distractions (movies, reading, newspaper, TV); talk to someone about your anger; listen to your partner with compassion; practice acceptance with compassion; practice mindfulness; try yoga for anger; practice progressive muscle relaxation technique.